To be honest, I set myself up for failure. To expect myself, a mom and preschool teacher, to have the time and energy to produce a quality blog entry each week? Yeah, right. The whole reason I began this blog as most of you know, was to fulfill my love of writing and passion for expressing myself while also helping other women to feel validated, safe, and less alone. Trying to bust out a blog post per week took away all of the fun and peace of free-writing. It became a chore in which I was pressing my brain way too hard to produce SOMETHING worthy of posting. I’ve decided to start over again on a different foot. I’m going to write a post when I feel the urge or desire and share it on my own accord. Of course, all the “famous” bloggers are consistent, reliable, and scheduled. But I didn’t start this blog to be famous, so I’m going to do it on “Hannah time”. Honest, real, authentic, and consistently inconsistent. Anything else would be a stretch of the truth and CLEARLY that’s not what I’m about.
So, hi again. I’m Hannah Schimmer; mom first, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, teacher, and foodie. I don’t have a professional photo to accompany each of my posts. I don’t have a consistently themed Instagram to portray my home as clean, staged, and perfect. I don’t have a billion followers or an abundance of people even giving a shit about my social media presence. But you know what? That’s more than okay with me. And in this post, I will tell you all the things that I AM and all the million things I DO have.
I am a human with flaws; many, many flaws. I am a loving person, who avoids confrontation at all costs. I am affectionate, but don’t want to be touched when I am upset. I am confident and insecure all at once. I love myself but have a running list of things I could stand to change.
I am empathetic, compassionate, and considerate. I am selfish, short-tempered, and judgmental. I am a bubbly, warm extrovert who has also grown to appreciate and value simple nights in with my partner and baby. I have gotten so much better at listing my strengths and admitting my downfalls. The tricky part is balancing those two with HEAVY self-talk. I’m perfecting the art of setting boundaries with the people in my life. It’s not an easy practice and puts me in the line of fire to deal with some serious confrontation, but I’m doing it. I’ve been in therapy actively for over seven years now, and although there are periods of time where I am on that couch less regularly, I never plan on quitting. I believe that every person, even the most “normal” and healthy, needs work. If we all put in time on bettering ourselves who knows how much growth the world would see.
I love my family. I love them hard, unconditionally, and with unwavering appreciation. I love my partner’s family, my friends’ families and I love Ollie’s family on every side. I value all the families in my life, even those that I don’t understand or relate to. My family has always been a constant source of love and support and for that I am the luckiest. Although we have had our share of disfunction (and boy have we ever), we will always come out in one piece because that’s just what we do.
Some would say I’m too comfortable living in a messy space and those people would be right. I thrive most in a space that is clean and organized but can’t manage to maintain that. I am a horrible money manager. I impulsively buy things that I am convinced I NEED and rarely ever look back. My home is decorated and “pinteresty” but never seems good enough for Instagram photos. I have a lot of cute clothes but can NEVER find anything to wear, which results in excessive shopping or wearing the same neutral colored outfits on repeat until I’ve worn them to death. I wear make-up like…0 times a week and have gotten to a place where I feel confident and happy that way. I have the mouth of a trucker. And when I say that, I mean it. I say cuss words multiple times per sentence. And as much as I know it isn’t my best quality, I just can’t seem to change it. As a preschool teacher I have acquired an uncanny ability to turn off the swearing as easily as the flip of a switch. But when school hours are over batten down the fucking hatches.
My friends are my world. I live by the mantra “quality over quantity”, but even leading with that I have a hefty village. I have acquired a group over the years filled with the cream of the crop. They are steadfast, supportive, uplifting, and true. They have loved me through my best and worst and more importantly, love Ollie as their own and fully understand that he and I are a package deal.
I am a sub-par partner who somehow landed the best damn guy that my heart has ever known. I could go on and on AND ON about all the ways in which this man loves me and on for even longer about how I love him, but I will spare you for now. I am in a healthy, life-long relationship with my best friend and I have never been more content or deeper in love. Talk about words I just never thought I’d say.
With my first and only baby I had postpartum psychosis. In addition to that I have postpartum onset bipolar disorder. I have a mental illness but I am not defined by it anymore. I spent the better part of two years paralyzed by the monster within me but I have taken my life back. Thanks to medication, an amazing doctor and therapist, and me working my ass off I will hopefully continue to lead a balanced and healthy life.
I’m sure you’ve gathered here that I am my own worst critic. But the ONE thing I know for sure and without even a shadow of doubt, I am a damn good mother. For my son I am enough. I am all that he deserves and more. Being his mommy is what I was made to do and even if I fall short at everything else I will still have succeeded at the only thing that matters to me: being his mother.
I am Hannah Grace Schimmer and I am a real person who will portray myself as only that from now on. I am built from a beautiful story with deep downs and infinite ups. I will continue to share those with the world in an uncensored and candid way. I hope you enjoy reading them.